As Though Nothing Happened

  • By Audrey Lau
  • 30 Sep, 2019

Content Warning: Depression


It crouches

It waits

It bides its time


Then it pounces.


It gets me. In the middle of the night. Just what I needed.


Shadows on your bedroom wall dance

Sleep seems to leave you as soon as darkness falls


I lay awake in the early hours as the waves of feelings wash their way over me.


Even the most simple thing sends you

Falling

Tumbling

Spiralling

Into fear


Even getting out of bed feels like a chore. Tears teeter on the edge of my eyes at the smallest things. I pinch the bridge of my nose and blink them away as quickly as they came.


It feels as though an invisible fist is clenched

Around your throat

Around your tear ducts

Around your resolve.


During the day

You tell yourself to step it up

You square your shoulders

You try to ignore the sadness that lingers

You cover up the dark circles


I give myself a hard stare. Making sure no evidence of my sleepless night will be shown on my face.


As though nothing happened.


You go to school

You laugh with your friends

You raise your hand for every question

You answer with your trademark grin.


When people say you’re the comic


I laugh lightly, ‘What?’


You smile as wide as you dare

As though nothing happened.


But people suspect.


‘You look tired. Are you okay?’

‘You didn’t seem like yourself today.’

‘What happened?’


You give them the response

You practice in the mirror every night.


‘Oh, it’s alright now. I’m alright.’


As though nothing happened.


I pop in my earbuds and walk with a bounce in my step. Mountains and concrete structures blur together as the train rumbles past. I stare into the blur of scenery, hoping the music from my phone will drown out the noise in my head.


By the time I get home, I think It’s gone. I breathe a sigh of relief and stroll into my building. But It strikes again.


My parent’s words at dinner go in and out of my ears. My sister’s running commentary feels more barbed than usual.


At night

The shadows come to back to life

More alive than ever.


I dig my fingernails into my flesh and curl up in the fetal position on my too-warm covers.


At night

You claw crescents into your arms

You let out a silent scream


You lay awake for hours on end

Wishing the day would come.


But even when the sun rises


My alarm blares. Three hours of restful sleep. It could’ve been worse.


Even when you drag yourself away from a sleepless night  


I stumble into the bathroom. I reach for the concealer. The dark bags disappear with one swipe. As though nothing happened.


And that’s what I’ll tell them. It’s sad how the only person that doesn’t believe me is myself. No one ever really notices when you’re collapsing on the inside and drowning in your own thoughts.


No matter how fast or far you run


I throw myself into my work. My studies. As though nothing happened.


The shadows always seem to catch up.


Mentally, I break down. Emotionally, I feel empty. Physically, I smile.


I give in to the deafening roar of silence.


By Lynette Chan January 31, 2020

“Passage for Scythe #316, please.” A card was thrown upon the desk as the tired guard looked up at its owner.

“Radley Ames, on assignment to… London?”  

“Yup, that’s right.” Radley nodded.

“Ok then,” the guard said, “you know the rules?”

“Yea-”

“No interacting with humans, no deviation from your assignment and no bringing back anything from the mortal world. Once done, guide your assignment to the rehabilitation centre for it to start training as a Scythe.” The guard leaned over, opening the gates of Styx.

“Thanks!” He grinned as he darted through the gate. Just in time, the train was arriving. He jumped onto the train, full of other Scythes on their way to their missions.

“This stop: Central Styx. Next stop: New York, America.” The female voice crackled through the speaker. Radley sat down with a sigh and cracked open the file, it was going to be a long journey and he still hadn’t checked who his mission was. His mission was… her? He hadn’t seen her since he died, 37 years ago. He ran a hand through his spiked hair; he was suddenly glad the train ride was going to be long.


He was back in his hospital bed. There was a voice, loud and disturbing. He turned to see what was happening. Was something wrong?

“No, he can’t die now! He’s too young and I refuse to believe there’s nothing you can do!”

“I’m sorry, it’s out of my hands. At best, I believe he has around 3 months left.”

Her sobs grew louder, almost drowning out his panic. Something was on his cheek, a tear. Then suddenly the sobs were fading and the room was spinning…


“This stop: London, England. Next stop: Barcelona, Spain.” He stumbled out the door, cursing under his breath. He mulled over the memories he had seen and forgotten long ago. His time in that dull room was an old phase of his life and he had already started a new one in his un-life as a Scythe. Thoughts spun round and round his head as he stepped through the portal into Charing Cross station. He looped through and around people; though he was invisible to the swarm around him, he still didn’t feel like bumping into people. He stepped outside in the cool weather, savouring the chilly bite of the breeze and the Picadilly Circus. However, he couldn’t stand here forever, he had a job to do. He pulled out the file to check the place of death. Died of old age in her home while asleep. “Shes always wanted to move here. I never really understood why.” He chuckled to himself.


“The doctor says you haven’t got long. We’ve only got a few more months before...” She trailed off,

“It’s ok,” he smiled sadly, “we’ll just have to make the most out of it.”

“There’s still so much for you to do! You haven’t even finished school, and we still haven’t moved to that nice flat near the Picadilly Circus.” Tears were quickly wiped away by a rapid hand,

“I stll don’t know why you want to move there.” Sad chuckles were exchanged as they relished one of the few moments they had left.

There was the door, all he had to do was walk through it. He didn’t even have to knock; just take a step through the door. She was just another mission that he needed to fulfill. No big deal, just go in and guide her to the training centre. He had been doing this everyday since he finished training, it wasn’t hard. He sighed, it had to happen sooner or later. Reluctantly, he stepped through the door and found… absolutely nothing. “Where is she?” Radley thought to himself, He started looking around the messy apartment, looking for clues on her whereabouts. There were unfinished knitting projects, half-read books lying around and so many photos of her and him and his family. One in particular caught his eye, right before his death, of him and her and the hospital. One last happy moment, taken a week or so before his passing. As much as he wanted to reminisce, he had a mission to carry out. “Where would she go?” Usually after people die, they loiter near their place of death, it wasn’t often Radley had had to hunt them down. Then out of the corner of his eye, another photo, thrown half-hazardly on a chair. He picked it up A family picnic, in Green Park. “Of course” He rushed out of the flat, this was one of her favourite places, of course she’d go there.


“Who wants the last sandwich?” She announced to the family,

“Me! I want it!” a girl ran to the basket hurriedly,

“Nope Sam, it’s mine” Radley smirked, snatching it out of her hands.

“What?! Noo! Mum!” Sam whined, Radley took a bite out of his stolen good with a victorious smile on his face.

“Radley, I-I need to talk to you” He turned and saw her face, pale and scared, and he knew. Something happened, something terrible.


“Okay, I’m here now. Where is she?” He looked around happy families and green shrubbery. He wandered around the park, looking for her among the small crowd of people enjoying their lives. He watched benches, picnics and ice-cream vans, she seemed to be nowhere found. There was one last place he hadn’t been yet. The fountain. He had a feeling she was going to be there, but he couldn’t bring himself to go. He headed there with a heavy heart, each step reminding him of his old life. And there she was, just sitting there. Watching everyone. It was time.

“Mum?”


“Mum?” He questioned as she lead him to the fountain, “What’s wrong?”

“I think it’s best if you sit down for this.” she sighed as she guided him down,

“Well, the doctors called-” she started,

“And?” Radley asked,

“You, um,” She sniffled, “You have cancer, lung cancer.”. His eyes widened in shock, he was only 15, how did this happen? “I’m so sorry,” she embraced him, “but we can get through this. We will.”. He never saw the tears falling from her eyes.


“Radley?” Her voice was barely a whisper.

“Yep. Hi mum.” He smiled through the awkwardness,

“Wait, I don’t understand. Am I dead? Why are you here? Are we going to heaven? What happened?” Question after question that he needed to answer.

“Well, we are both now deceased,” he paused, giving her time to digest, “I’m here, because I’ve been assigned to take you to Styx.”

“Styx?”

“Yes, there’s not really a heaven or hell, it’s just like the real world, except with new jobs and experiences. It’s like life after death. I will take you to the training centre to become a Scythe, like me.”

“A Scythe? You mean, this is your job? Taking souls back to Styx?” She spoke,

“Yeah-” he started,

“Wait, I’ve just seen you for the first time in 37 years, and this is what I’ve done first thing?” She began,

“It-” Then he was enveloped in a hug. 37 years since he had felt this, and it felt nice.

“Thanks mum,” tears were welling, “shall we go?” She took a breath,

“Okay.”


11

By Rebecca Yang January 31, 2020

But now

It’s all gone


Nothing but

A thing

Of the past


But now

You’re not here


Nothing but

A shadow

In the darkness


But now

I’m all alone


Nothing but

A shell

Of a person


People are

So hard

To understand


So tell me


Why am I

Spending time


Trying

To find

Answers


When I

Don’t even know

My own


Why am I

Wasting time


Hunting

For

A response